thePIANIST

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Haha a blog is a blog after all. I cannot pour everything I want here. I cannot share what im angry about because i will always be wrong. I can never be right because in the first place i failed to love my sheep. I do not deserve any leadership or deserve to be in seed. Im nothing but a degenerating piece of junk. I did all I could, but I shouldn't have complained. I thought that by doing so, someone would change. I was wrong. The problem lied with me in the first place. I thought i did what I was told to do. I even did more. I gave all I could.. In the end. I was told I am wrong in the first place. I am not able to do what I know and what I know i should do. I cant ever be perfect. Can i at least love god and keep his commandments? I cant.. Im never clean im always stained with the blood of the innocents. Im nothing different but a person living because he have found a new purpose but not carrying it out, thus just living because he has the thought of living for that purpose.

I never felt good breaking a friendship on purpose. I broke this one in hope that Dennis would have a better chance to change and think over things that he have been doing wrong. Im hopeless! I was harsh, i was mean, i was cruel, i was selfish and i did it all for myself not God! I thought it was the best way to lead him back to the heart for god. I was wrong! The problem lied with me from the very beginning. I was meant to be the reason for his mistake and my mistake became his. I did all i thought was right and it all turned out to be wrong! I was wrong God!

I dont care how i feel. You all do not care how i feel. How the hell do i feel about losing my best friend because I loved and cared for him! How the hell do you think i felt about being so hurt after being stabbed in the back by my own BEST FRIEND? How much faith have i taken to pour all that insults and scoldings when i really tried all i could and that was the only thing left i did not try. I sacrificed my best friendship and who appreciated that attempt. WHO? In the end i had to be reprimanded for my stupidity by my own shepherd! I have failed everything I needed to do and did things I didnt need to do. Am i responsible or am I just stupid? Im tired and vexed. I felt a sense of shame and stupidity i never felt before. The moment i saw YK's message, it was like another stab to me. I felt lost, shocked and stupid. Im the least significant and the most useless member in my caregroup now. I cant even smile i cant even crack up jokes or conversations not because i dont want to but i cant. Who else wants to force me to do that? Who? I admit i was wrong to be harsh on my words. What was the purpose of those words then? I have caused this problem myself, and i have fallen deeper than i expected. I wished to get it out of my mind after i done my best. I cant! Theres too many things i have done wrong and i have wronged him. I have failed my sheep and i have disobeyed my shepherd. I have obeyed that very enemy i despiced and hated, Satan.

Dennis was right. It was good to be ordinary. It hurts to dream and desire. Shall i go on with hope? Shall i hope or shall i stop. God tell me what your path is for me. Wanting the best for myself and others is difficult. I dont just hurt myself. God i dont want this. I realized that Dennis was right. Lord im sorry I have not fufiled anything you told me to do.

God i have not loved you and i have not kept your commandments, however i wish that it is not too late to start again. Thank you for your grace...

8:24 PM; The Pianist'

thePIANIST;

Shane from RP class w35a

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