Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Back to blog again.
Well can't really say Im all fine and good now, but don't worry, the thoughts of backsliding have already faded away.
I bet most of you guys are disappointed in me already. As a CL, i shouldn't be having these thoughts or even thinking so lowly of myself. I'm fine now, the suicidal thoughts have long been erased from my mind. Now i just wana move on, letting the past go behind me.
Father in heaven,
I pray today with faith and conviction, that I after today, i will be a new creation in you. No matter what I have done and what has happened, i just wana re-commit my life to you. Forgetting the past, and striving onward. I admit my wrongdoings and i offer you my apologies, for i have defied you and brought shame to your name as i had committed those sins. Lord cleanse me once again, with the blood jesus has offered. Cleanse me, make me new. All this i pray in the name of jesus, Amen
Over the 2 days, i have thought of everything i have done as a non-believer and things i did as a christ-follower. I reflected upon the times i defied God and the times i was so eager to learn. It's just amazing how God's love have changed me. Though not totally, but slowly, gradually and surely.
"Never will i leave you, never will i forsake you"
This verse is so simple yet so true. God will never let us go.
Well can't really say Im all fine and good now, but don't worry, the thoughts of backsliding have already faded away.
I bet most of you guys are disappointed in me already. As a CL, i shouldn't be having these thoughts or even thinking so lowly of myself. I'm fine now, the suicidal thoughts have long been erased from my mind. Now i just wana move on, letting the past go behind me.
Father in heaven,
I pray today with faith and conviction, that I after today, i will be a new creation in you. No matter what I have done and what has happened, i just wana re-commit my life to you. Forgetting the past, and striving onward. I admit my wrongdoings and i offer you my apologies, for i have defied you and brought shame to your name as i had committed those sins. Lord cleanse me once again, with the blood jesus has offered. Cleanse me, make me new. All this i pray in the name of jesus, Amen
Over the 2 days, i have thought of everything i have done as a non-believer and things i did as a christ-follower. I reflected upon the times i defied God and the times i was so eager to learn. It's just amazing how God's love have changed me. Though not totally, but slowly, gradually and surely.
"Never will i leave you, never will i forsake you"
This verse is so simple yet so true. God will never let us go.
7:03 PM; The Pianist'
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Person X says:
2 corinthians 12 : 9-10
>9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
I believe God will use u greatly. about u're studies, dont worry too much ok? God will make u the head , never the tail. If u lack wisdom, keep asking God for cause God said ask and it will be given to u , seek and u will find , knock and the door will be open to u as well
Now, you're like David in the bible. A person who was quite an insignificant character and he was the last one King saul would ever want and choose to use.Nobody would believe that he would actually defeat Goliath.David used a stone to defeat Goliath.Not swords/choppers/parangs or any kind of weapons one could ever think of. He too, defeated Goliath in the name of the Almighty.
1 Samuel 39-40
"I cannot go in these," he said to Saul, "because I am not used to them." So he took them off. Then he took his staff in his hand, chose five smooth stones from the stream, put them in the pouch of his shepherd's bag and, with his sling in his hand, approached the Philistine.''
1 Samuel 45
''David said to the Philistine, "You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the LORD Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied''
1Sam:48-49
''As the Philistine moved closer to attack him, David ran quickly toward the battle line to meet him. Reaching into his bag and taking out a stone, he slung it and struck the Philistine on the forehead. The stone sank into his forehead, and he fell facedown on the ground.''
He will use u greatly in ur studies to shine in class, among ur classmates and friends
Yeah ! so dont worry about ur studies and persevere ok? (:
hang on in God as God will make a way when there seems to be no way
cheer up ok?smile like me =) mouth wide open XD.
Simple words from a kind and compassionate church member have cheered me up yesterday night.
Thank you people, especially God, for sticking through with me through this tough time.
No longer emotional, rather, satisfied. Gonna go off.. Blogging later yeh?
2 corinthians 12 : 9-10
>9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
I believe God will use u greatly. about u're studies, dont worry too much ok? God will make u the head , never the tail. If u lack wisdom, keep asking God for cause God said ask and it will be given to u , seek and u will find , knock and the door will be open to u as well
Now, you're like David in the bible. A person who was quite an insignificant character and he was the last one King saul would ever want and choose to use.Nobody would believe that he would actually defeat Goliath.David used a stone to defeat Goliath.Not swords/choppers/parangs or any kind of weapons one could ever think of. He too, defeated Goliath in the name of the Almighty.
1 Samuel 39-40
"I cannot go in these," he said to Saul, "because I am not used to them." So he took them off. Then he took his staff in his hand, chose five smooth stones from the stream, put them in the pouch of his shepherd's bag and, with his sling in his hand, approached the Philistine.''
1 Samuel 45
''David said to the Philistine, "You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the LORD Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied''
1Sam:48-49
''As the Philistine moved closer to attack him, David ran quickly toward the battle line to meet him. Reaching into his bag and taking out a stone, he slung it and struck the Philistine on the forehead. The stone sank into his forehead, and he fell facedown on the ground.''
He will use u greatly in ur studies to shine in class, among ur classmates and friends
Yeah ! so dont worry about ur studies and persevere ok? (:
hang on in God as God will make a way when there seems to be no way
cheer up ok?smile like me =) mouth wide open XD.
Simple words from a kind and compassionate church member have cheered me up yesterday night.
Thank you people, especially God, for sticking through with me through this tough time.
No longer emotional, rather, satisfied. Gonna go off.. Blogging later yeh?
11:04 PM; The Pianist'
Monday, July 28, 2008
Vindicate me oh God.
Save me from this world of judgement,
safe me from the world of tortures.
Satan have tempted me to fall away from you,
into this world of never ending sin.
Take me by my hand,
lead me to your sanctuary.
I will never let you go.
God cleanse me and break me free from the chains that bind me to this world.
Heal my heart and make it clean.
Lead me heavenward.
Today is a very bad day. Currently in my EMO state right now. Will someone just hit me so hard I'll stand up and fight again? Today is a really really bad day...
God! Help me! I don't want to fall away from you. I cannot assure myself I will not fall away anymore. These responsibilities, these burdens. Take them away lord, i long to reside in your arms where i can find peace. Where i can refresh myself and go through the next day with a smile.
Got kinda scolded in school today by My Sandhu and indirectly by Ms Tho. Long story.. Dont read if you wont be interested.
Got called out by Mr Sandhu for a talk this afternoon 5 minutes before recess. The conversation led me to a chain of thoughts and also, into the state i am in right now.
I was being scolded for bringing Dennis to church, yet again. Mr Sandhu was asking me what kind of church im bringing him to. Which domination or whatever. Told him movement but he wouldn't believe. He asked me to bring him my sermon notepad so that he could make a "judgement" if it was a good church. And yeah he said it's a relatively good church. Now tell me. What rights do he have to judge a church? As a fellow christ-follower. What image is he potraying?
He told me i have been painting a very bad image of christianity due to my poor academic achievements and attitude in class. I guess he's right. I have lousy results for every subject except english, I am slow in doing my work. Of course i am a burden to the class. I deserve it dont I? And the saddest part is that i am a christ follower and a CL in the church i am in. Yet i potray such a lousy image of christ. Does results matter so much? Can't anyone see the pain i go through? Cant someone just tell me I can do it and encourage me instead of adding salt to my wounds and making fun of my weaknesses?
Even a christian this old can say this of me. Even he can tell me I am a piece of shit and i am a disgrace to Jesus. Yes i totally agree. Would anyone just look at me and accept me just for who I am? I know i look very gangsterous but did i choose this face? Why would people always have to do this to me? Why does everyone shun away from me because i seem like someone not sociable? Even including christian teachers? Whats wrong with them? Have God not been merciful to them? Have God not forgiven them? Why do they have to speak so badly of me? Cant they say something nice? Cant someone encourage me in this world?
God! Hear my cries!
My wounds are deep, my heart is weary.
Weary is my soul, powerless i feel.
And yeah Dennis told me something that really made sense.
The society does not accept people like you. You just have to deal with it.
Am I really a useless piece of shit? Am I not worthy to come into God's presence? Am I not worthy to praise God alongside the more "spiritual" people? Am I that worthless? I know the answer, but can I really leave aside who I am and just serve god no matter how people look at me?
I thought of living the life of a non-believer again. I thought of "not declaring" the fact that i am a christ-follower. I thought that might give people a better perspective of Jesus. Yet I know I wont glorify God by doing so. I thought of leaving church and just lead my own life, die like a dog, knowing there is a God out there willing to listen to my cries, knowing there is someone who cares, knowing someone out there sees the best in me and the things i can achieve.
I'm not angry about the world, im just angry at myself. How powerless I am, how foolish i have been. I know what should be done. I know..
This song picked me up again.
On the side of me
Corrinne May
I'm not the easiest person to love
I'm often the one who lets things go unresolved
Yet you choose to be
On the side of me
On the side of me
Yet you choose to be on the side of me
On the side of me
I'm not too proud of some things
I've done in my life
The skeletons in my closet
Are too big for me to hide
Yet you choose to be
On the side of me
On the side of me
Blessed Charity
You're on the side of me
On the side of me
Everyone needs a friend to hold
When it's cold outside
And there's no place to go
Everyone needs a friend to hold
All alone I cried
There was no place to go
I remember when nobody cared
But you
I'm not the easiest person to love
But you, you've opened your heart to show me what I'm worth'
Cause you choose to be
On the side of me
On the side of me
What a mystery
You're on the side of me
On the side of me
Everyone needs a friend to hold
When it's cold outside
And there's no place to go
Everyone needs a friend to hold
All alone I cried
There was no place to go
I remember when nobody cared
Nobody cared
But you...
Yeah you choose to be
On the side of me
On the side of me
Save me from this world of judgement,
safe me from the world of tortures.
Satan have tempted me to fall away from you,
into this world of never ending sin.
Take me by my hand,
lead me to your sanctuary.
I will never let you go.
God cleanse me and break me free from the chains that bind me to this world.
Heal my heart and make it clean.
Lead me heavenward.
Today is a very bad day. Currently in my EMO state right now. Will someone just hit me so hard I'll stand up and fight again? Today is a really really bad day...
God! Help me! I don't want to fall away from you. I cannot assure myself I will not fall away anymore. These responsibilities, these burdens. Take them away lord, i long to reside in your arms where i can find peace. Where i can refresh myself and go through the next day with a smile.
Got kinda scolded in school today by My Sandhu and indirectly by Ms Tho. Long story.. Dont read if you wont be interested.
Got called out by Mr Sandhu for a talk this afternoon 5 minutes before recess. The conversation led me to a chain of thoughts and also, into the state i am in right now.
I was being scolded for bringing Dennis to church, yet again. Mr Sandhu was asking me what kind of church im bringing him to. Which domination or whatever. Told him movement but he wouldn't believe. He asked me to bring him my sermon notepad so that he could make a "judgement" if it was a good church. And yeah he said it's a relatively good church. Now tell me. What rights do he have to judge a church? As a fellow christ-follower. What image is he potraying?
He told me i have been painting a very bad image of christianity due to my poor academic achievements and attitude in class. I guess he's right. I have lousy results for every subject except english, I am slow in doing my work. Of course i am a burden to the class. I deserve it dont I? And the saddest part is that i am a christ follower and a CL in the church i am in. Yet i potray such a lousy image of christ. Does results matter so much? Can't anyone see the pain i go through? Cant someone just tell me I can do it and encourage me instead of adding salt to my wounds and making fun of my weaknesses?
Even a christian this old can say this of me. Even he can tell me I am a piece of shit and i am a disgrace to Jesus. Yes i totally agree. Would anyone just look at me and accept me just for who I am? I know i look very gangsterous but did i choose this face? Why would people always have to do this to me? Why does everyone shun away from me because i seem like someone not sociable? Even including christian teachers? Whats wrong with them? Have God not been merciful to them? Have God not forgiven them? Why do they have to speak so badly of me? Cant they say something nice? Cant someone encourage me in this world?
God! Hear my cries!
My wounds are deep, my heart is weary.
Weary is my soul, powerless i feel.
And yeah Dennis told me something that really made sense.
The society does not accept people like you. You just have to deal with it.
Am I really a useless piece of shit? Am I not worthy to come into God's presence? Am I not worthy to praise God alongside the more "spiritual" people? Am I that worthless? I know the answer, but can I really leave aside who I am and just serve god no matter how people look at me?
I thought of living the life of a non-believer again. I thought of "not declaring" the fact that i am a christ-follower. I thought that might give people a better perspective of Jesus. Yet I know I wont glorify God by doing so. I thought of leaving church and just lead my own life, die like a dog, knowing there is a God out there willing to listen to my cries, knowing there is someone who cares, knowing someone out there sees the best in me and the things i can achieve.
I'm not angry about the world, im just angry at myself. How powerless I am, how foolish i have been. I know what should be done. I know..
This song picked me up again.
On the side of me
Corrinne May
I'm not the easiest person to love
I'm often the one who lets things go unresolved
Yet you choose to be
On the side of me
On the side of me
Yet you choose to be on the side of me
On the side of me
I'm not too proud of some things
I've done in my life
The skeletons in my closet
Are too big for me to hide
Yet you choose to be
On the side of me
On the side of me
Blessed Charity
You're on the side of me
On the side of me
Everyone needs a friend to hold
When it's cold outside
And there's no place to go
Everyone needs a friend to hold
All alone I cried
There was no place to go
I remember when nobody cared
But you
I'm not the easiest person to love
But you, you've opened your heart to show me what I'm worth'
Cause you choose to be
On the side of me
On the side of me
What a mystery
You're on the side of me
On the side of me
Everyone needs a friend to hold
When it's cold outside
And there's no place to go
Everyone needs a friend to hold
All alone I cried
There was no place to go
I remember when nobody cared
Nobody cared
But you...
Yeah you choose to be
On the side of me
On the side of me
6:33 PM; The Pianist'
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Yeah according to the time i blog today, you guys can guess that i didn't go to school. The reaction my mum gave when i didn't go to school. You guys wanna know? Then fix your eyes on what I'm about to say.
6:50am today;
Shane - Mum I'm really exhausted and i seem to be having a fever. I dint think i can concentrate in school today so i would like to rest at home
Mum - What!?
*slaps me around and tries to make me stand up and prepare for school.*
Shane - I told you i got a headache already. Don't make it worse. You don't even bother to check.
Mum - yeah like real you got a headache. Stand up and get ready to go to school.
Shane - *unable to muster the required strength, he kinda fainted.
And guess what? During that time, my mum confisticated the XBOX controllers, smashed a few plates, made a din, woke my whole family up, whinned about things.
When i woke up, Mum was like whinning non stop. I couldn't even TRY to study. I got so fed up i just wanted to play my xbox. Then i realized the controllers were gone. All i could think of was to get back at my mum for doing this to me.
Dad scolded me for making mum wake him up. He didnt even mention anything about the fact that i didnt turn up for school or even encourage me to do otherwise.
I sent Mum a sms which i deeply regretted. Something i thought might make her think, or even hurt her feelings.
It said:
Seriously if your so unhappy with the things i do, dont whine around when it happens. Dont act like your the one suffering when your obviously not. All you do is try to give me concern and then what? Scold me like shit and toss things around when i do something you dont want me to do? You think that motivates me to study? Think about what your doing. You think it benefits me? I tell you, it soiled our relationship so badly and makes me stressed out instead.
So in the midst of anger, i sinned. Bitter am i now, over the spilt milk i have caused. Over the bloodshed i have caused. I am sorry. I want to be sorry. This just aint right. I have gone too far. I have made God tear again. Am i worth being a christ follower, let alone a CL when i cant even handle my family problems properly? My family is tearing apart. My brothers dont actually give a damn about what is happening.
Everything is back to square one.
I just wana say sorry. Not just to my family, but also my friends and God. I have disappointed you again and again, yet you all have not given up on me.
Dear heavenly father,
you tore the veil and you made a way 2 thousand years ago. Today i claim in jesus name, wisdom. I claim it as you have stated clearly in your commands, that whoever asks will recieve. Today i ask with all my faith, i put in you. Prove yourself real to me. Tear the veil, make a way for me. I ask in jesus name today, that you aid me to break the chains satan has bound me to. Break the chains of sin and death. Redeem me once again, give me hope. Give me wisdom to live life the way you want my life to be. In the name of Jesus i pray, Amen
6:50am today;
Shane - Mum I'm really exhausted and i seem to be having a fever. I dint think i can concentrate in school today so i would like to rest at home
Mum - What!?
*slaps me around and tries to make me stand up and prepare for school.*
Shane - I told you i got a headache already. Don't make it worse. You don't even bother to check.
Mum - yeah like real you got a headache. Stand up and get ready to go to school.
Shane - *unable to muster the required strength, he kinda fainted.
And guess what? During that time, my mum confisticated the XBOX controllers, smashed a few plates, made a din, woke my whole family up, whinned about things.
When i woke up, Mum was like whinning non stop. I couldn't even TRY to study. I got so fed up i just wanted to play my xbox. Then i realized the controllers were gone. All i could think of was to get back at my mum for doing this to me.
Dad scolded me for making mum wake him up. He didnt even mention anything about the fact that i didnt turn up for school or even encourage me to do otherwise.
I sent Mum a sms which i deeply regretted. Something i thought might make her think, or even hurt her feelings.
It said:
Seriously if your so unhappy with the things i do, dont whine around when it happens. Dont act like your the one suffering when your obviously not. All you do is try to give me concern and then what? Scold me like shit and toss things around when i do something you dont want me to do? You think that motivates me to study? Think about what your doing. You think it benefits me? I tell you, it soiled our relationship so badly and makes me stressed out instead.
So in the midst of anger, i sinned. Bitter am i now, over the spilt milk i have caused. Over the bloodshed i have caused. I am sorry. I want to be sorry. This just aint right. I have gone too far. I have made God tear again. Am i worth being a christ follower, let alone a CL when i cant even handle my family problems properly? My family is tearing apart. My brothers dont actually give a damn about what is happening.
Everything is back to square one.
I just wana say sorry. Not just to my family, but also my friends and God. I have disappointed you again and again, yet you all have not given up on me.
Dear heavenly father,
you tore the veil and you made a way 2 thousand years ago. Today i claim in jesus name, wisdom. I claim it as you have stated clearly in your commands, that whoever asks will recieve. Today i ask with all my faith, i put in you. Prove yourself real to me. Tear the veil, make a way for me. I ask in jesus name today, that you aid me to break the chains satan has bound me to. Break the chains of sin and death. Redeem me once again, give me hope. Give me wisdom to live life the way you want my life to be. In the name of Jesus i pray, Amen
2:16 PM; The Pianist'
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Today was a dumb day. I was thinking to myself what i was doing. My day started and ended like just any other day would. I went to school and went home halfway due to certain reasons, then went home to take the sticks to floorball. My day seemed all blank. Now im seated down pondering through what my day had been like.
Talked to dennis' mum during floorball just now. Many questions she had about Yhope. I was glad im able to answer all of them. Im really glad to see her opening up and allowing dennis to come for church activities. Im really glad.. Really. Thank you God. My efforts have not been in vain. One year of suffering, disappointments, you have bound it all to this day. You gave me light in the midst of suffering.
Life is really in a mess. Im really gonna end up re-taking my o levels this time. Im not even sure if i can make it if i study all day now. What am i doing? God have you forsaken me?
Floorball/basketball - Getting lousier at both floorball and basketball.. Yeah i know taht sux...
Im really getting very weak at both games. What's happening to me?
Life is in a total mess. Im not even doing piano, not getting better at floorball, what more, basketball. Dont even talk about studies or even God. I seriously dont know what is going on.
Life these few days has been really tiring. I was really getting restless, weak and i felt like i haven't been sleeping for days. Doing QT seemed like a burden. Studying seemed like a burden. Living this way is a burden!
Is the group really growing the way it should be? Is this all i can do? I worry for myself, as well as for the team of pioneers. Yes how can i expect my men to hit the field when i myself aint doing it with them? How can i show them the example when i aint doing it with them? I need the extra effort and time. Where can i dig all that out?
Am i really having a burden or am i just feeling for it and doing nothing about it? I worry so much about cg08 i cant even think straight. When i study i always am reminded that there is a meeting later on in the day and i gotta study after the meeting as well. I cant do life without God showing himself to me. I have not mastered the 2 way dialogue i must confess. Maybe it's time i start picking up that book again. Am i really able to balance?
I have absolute faith that God can turn the worst situations around. Only if we have perfect faith. What is faith? I absolutely believe that I can do it. I believe that if i do my part, god will do his. I just cant stand it when more and more visitors reject me, fail my exams, just suck at everything i do. I cant stand it when i am a christian, yet im living like just another piece of shit that will surely grow up having to sleep in a junkyard. I cant stand it when non-believers can prosper so much in life yet i have such a good god and im so stuck up with life challenges. Teachers view me as a problem-kid. Is that true? I pass up my work, but i just cant do well in my studies. Is that what they deem problem-kid? Seriously. They act like they care. But all they want is the MSG, meet the friggin QUOTA. Seriously look at the world outside. People cheat one another, brother turn against brother, man against father. Yet this guys can do so much better in life than the christ followers? Have Heaven's only ambassadors become complacent?
Christians can go around saying OH GOD SAVE THESE PEOPLE and is so full of sarcarsm? They can go around as an adult, telling people things he dont actually mean and think thats funny. Go around saying hes a good boy he'll surely go to heaven. Have people got the doctrines wrong? Money have plagued the world, false doctrines have surfaced, anti-christians have come. Life is cheap, death rates are high. Is the world ending?
And here i am, whinning about these things, yet i try so hard to change this terrible fact but i just can't change the world. Plagued by the evils of this earth, their minds are filled with terrible thoughts. Yet they can still call upon God's name and beg for forgiveness everytime? People take christ for granted, people try to earn God's favour. Is all this right? And Yeah, i cant do anything about it.
I have known God since december 16th 2006. About 3 months after my conversion, i was at my peak of my spiritual life. I was rapidly growing, I was doing well, i learnt more and more about god each day. God seemed so real and tangible to me. Yet i can't even hear God, nor see him with my spiritual eyes now.
Father in heaven,
Hear my cries, my cries for help, my cries of dissatisfaction, agony. I have not been faithful in doing your work, I have failed you umpteen times, and yet you chose me. I picked myself up everytime, but i fell again. Again and again, i got disappointed. I lost faith, trust and now, you. God! Have you forsaken me? You have said,"never will i leave you, never will i forsake you". Have my spiritual eyes been sealed from you? Give me a vision! Give me a dream, life to the fullest! I dont want this kind of life. Weak, tired, i don't wana be a loser. I wana be who you want me to be! And this day i commit my life to you. I give you all my life, my faith in you. My faith in you is absolute, may you redeem me once again. Give me a reason to hope. In jesus name i pray, Amen
Talked to dennis' mum during floorball just now. Many questions she had about Yhope. I was glad im able to answer all of them. Im really glad to see her opening up and allowing dennis to come for church activities. Im really glad.. Really. Thank you God. My efforts have not been in vain. One year of suffering, disappointments, you have bound it all to this day. You gave me light in the midst of suffering.
Life is really in a mess. Im really gonna end up re-taking my o levels this time. Im not even sure if i can make it if i study all day now. What am i doing? God have you forsaken me?
Floorball/basketball - Getting lousier at both floorball and basketball.. Yeah i know taht sux...
Im really getting very weak at both games. What's happening to me?
Life is in a total mess. Im not even doing piano, not getting better at floorball, what more, basketball. Dont even talk about studies or even God. I seriously dont know what is going on.
Life these few days has been really tiring. I was really getting restless, weak and i felt like i haven't been sleeping for days. Doing QT seemed like a burden. Studying seemed like a burden. Living this way is a burden!
Is the group really growing the way it should be? Is this all i can do? I worry for myself, as well as for the team of pioneers. Yes how can i expect my men to hit the field when i myself aint doing it with them? How can i show them the example when i aint doing it with them? I need the extra effort and time. Where can i dig all that out?
Am i really having a burden or am i just feeling for it and doing nothing about it? I worry so much about cg08 i cant even think straight. When i study i always am reminded that there is a meeting later on in the day and i gotta study after the meeting as well. I cant do life without God showing himself to me. I have not mastered the 2 way dialogue i must confess. Maybe it's time i start picking up that book again. Am i really able to balance?
I have absolute faith that God can turn the worst situations around. Only if we have perfect faith. What is faith? I absolutely believe that I can do it. I believe that if i do my part, god will do his. I just cant stand it when more and more visitors reject me, fail my exams, just suck at everything i do. I cant stand it when i am a christian, yet im living like just another piece of shit that will surely grow up having to sleep in a junkyard. I cant stand it when non-believers can prosper so much in life yet i have such a good god and im so stuck up with life challenges. Teachers view me as a problem-kid. Is that true? I pass up my work, but i just cant do well in my studies. Is that what they deem problem-kid? Seriously. They act like they care. But all they want is the MSG, meet the friggin QUOTA. Seriously look at the world outside. People cheat one another, brother turn against brother, man against father. Yet this guys can do so much better in life than the christ followers? Have Heaven's only ambassadors become complacent?
Christians can go around saying OH GOD SAVE THESE PEOPLE and is so full of sarcarsm? They can go around as an adult, telling people things he dont actually mean and think thats funny. Go around saying hes a good boy he'll surely go to heaven. Have people got the doctrines wrong? Money have plagued the world, false doctrines have surfaced, anti-christians have come. Life is cheap, death rates are high. Is the world ending?
And here i am, whinning about these things, yet i try so hard to change this terrible fact but i just can't change the world. Plagued by the evils of this earth, their minds are filled with terrible thoughts. Yet they can still call upon God's name and beg for forgiveness everytime? People take christ for granted, people try to earn God's favour. Is all this right? And Yeah, i cant do anything about it.
I have known God since december 16th 2006. About 3 months after my conversion, i was at my peak of my spiritual life. I was rapidly growing, I was doing well, i learnt more and more about god each day. God seemed so real and tangible to me. Yet i can't even hear God, nor see him with my spiritual eyes now.
Father in heaven,
Hear my cries, my cries for help, my cries of dissatisfaction, agony. I have not been faithful in doing your work, I have failed you umpteen times, and yet you chose me. I picked myself up everytime, but i fell again. Again and again, i got disappointed. I lost faith, trust and now, you. God! Have you forsaken me? You have said,"never will i leave you, never will i forsake you". Have my spiritual eyes been sealed from you? Give me a vision! Give me a dream, life to the fullest! I dont want this kind of life. Weak, tired, i don't wana be a loser. I wana be who you want me to be! And this day i commit my life to you. I give you all my life, my faith in you. My faith in you is absolute, may you redeem me once again. Give me a reason to hope. In jesus name i pray, Amen
8:03 PM; The Pianist'
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Today was a long and tiring day. Tomorrow will be a hellish day i suppose.. Organic chem test in the morning. Im as good as dead. GOD!
I need you in this dark hour.
Weary is my heart,
worn out is my tired body.
Renew my soul,
empower me with your strength and wisdom.
With utmost faith i commit my life unto your plan,
may you work out your plan for me and to you i give the highest praise.
I ask all this in the precious name of jesus, Amen.
And yeah im really tired of all this things going on in my life. I wana finish what i am born for once and for all. Im gonna try so hard im gonna get so much more disappointed but i know im gonna hit that field with all I got, till death takes me. Hold me accountable you people. To death i will ride. With all i am i will live to see the will of god accoumplished. Yes i will..
I dont care how many things im gonna be juggling this time. I just need to know how the results would look like. You with me team? We're gonna hit that field together and we're gonna make the kingdom of darkness lose big time. Till the good lord returns, we will run.
Barbecue yesterday was great. Didnt eat much though. Well, thanks to everyone, the barbecuewas a success. And cool enough, the rain did stop immediately after our prayers. Thank god the event was a success!
Matthew came over to stayover at my house. Didnt do much. Just played alot of NBA.
Planned MCG with weiling chloe and jeron today. Had a feeling i saw someone familiar in the kfc at marina square. Someone i used to quarrel with perhaps. I apologize for anything you deem unjustified, and i forgive you for whatever you have done unto me. If you still wana be friends, feel free to sms me. My number is 90264476.
The plan should be good. Mcg is next friday 4pm to anytime. Anyone and everyone is invited to come heh. We're a bunch of fun and loving people from a youth organization Yhope so yeah just contact me if you believe that life can be more enjoyable. I garuntee it with my life yeh?
Oh another thing. Floorball will be this friday 4-7pm at leng kee CC. Anyone and everyone is invited and again, there would also be basketball over at the basketball court. INVITE YOUR FRIENDS!!!!
Oh how could i forget..
I walked there and back 6 times from City hall to Marina square through Citylink today. The first one was to meet there. The second and third, a miscommunication with made me go to city hall and walk back to marina square. Well the fourth? Walking back to city hall. While waiting for my 63 bus to come, reynard called yk and told he he misplaced his wallet. Oh man. There i go again. Another 2 rounds there and back again. But well, we managed to find the wallet. Thank god man..
Right i guess thats enough for me today.. Gonna share more the next time i blog. Bye guys!
I need you in this dark hour.
Weary is my heart,
worn out is my tired body.
Renew my soul,
empower me with your strength and wisdom.
With utmost faith i commit my life unto your plan,
may you work out your plan for me and to you i give the highest praise.
I ask all this in the precious name of jesus, Amen.
And yeah im really tired of all this things going on in my life. I wana finish what i am born for once and for all. Im gonna try so hard im gonna get so much more disappointed but i know im gonna hit that field with all I got, till death takes me. Hold me accountable you people. To death i will ride. With all i am i will live to see the will of god accoumplished. Yes i will..
I dont care how many things im gonna be juggling this time. I just need to know how the results would look like. You with me team? We're gonna hit that field together and we're gonna make the kingdom of darkness lose big time. Till the good lord returns, we will run.
Barbecue yesterday was great. Didnt eat much though. Well, thanks to everyone, the barbecuewas a success. And cool enough, the rain did stop immediately after our prayers. Thank god the event was a success!
Matthew came over to stayover at my house. Didnt do much. Just played alot of NBA.
Planned MCG with weiling chloe and jeron today. Had a feeling i saw someone familiar in the kfc at marina square. Someone i used to quarrel with perhaps. I apologize for anything you deem unjustified, and i forgive you for whatever you have done unto me. If you still wana be friends, feel free to sms me. My number is 90264476.
The plan should be good. Mcg is next friday 4pm to anytime. Anyone and everyone is invited to come heh. We're a bunch of fun and loving people from a youth organization Yhope so yeah just contact me if you believe that life can be more enjoyable. I garuntee it with my life yeh?
Oh another thing. Floorball will be this friday 4-7pm at leng kee CC. Anyone and everyone is invited and again, there would also be basketball over at the basketball court. INVITE YOUR FRIENDS!!!!
Oh how could i forget..
I walked there and back 6 times from City hall to Marina square through Citylink today. The first one was to meet there. The second and third, a miscommunication with made me go to city hall and walk back to marina square. Well the fourth? Walking back to city hall. While waiting for my 63 bus to come, reynard called yk and told he he misplaced his wallet. Oh man. There i go again. Another 2 rounds there and back again. But well, we managed to find the wallet. Thank god man..
Right i guess thats enough for me today.. Gonna share more the next time i blog. Bye guys!
8:55 PM; The Pianist'
Friday, July 18, 2008
1. The person who tagged you is?
Caryn
2. What is your relationship with him/her?
Lawl friends?
3. Your 5 impression of him/her?
Eh? Dumb
4. The most memorial thing he/she had done for you?
Lol drag me into her relationship problems?
5. If he/she become your lover you will ?
Wait long long.. Refer to question 12 heh
6. If he/she becomes your enemy you will ?
eh i dont think that will happen
7. The most desireable thing that you do for him/her is?
eh Jack her
8. Your overall impression of her?
eh dumb.. again
9. How do you think people around you will feel about you?
Boring
10. The character you love of yourself are?
Eh... When i can go into solitude without feeling bored?
11. On the contrary , the character you hate yourself are?
When i get into solitude as well..
12. The most ideal person you wanna be is?
Hmm someone i can communicate with?
13. For people who care and like you , say something about them.
Lol WHOO!!!
14. Pass this quiz to ALL MY LINKS WHO HAVE NOT DONE THIS!
Caryn
2. What is your relationship with him/her?
Lawl friends?
3. Your 5 impression of him/her?
Eh? Dumb
4. The most memorial thing he/she had done for you?
Lol drag me into her relationship problems?
5. If he/she become your lover you will ?
Wait long long.. Refer to question 12 heh
6. If he/she becomes your enemy you will ?
eh i dont think that will happen
7. The most desireable thing that you do for him/her is?
eh Jack her
8. Your overall impression of her?
eh dumb.. again
9. How do you think people around you will feel about you?
Boring
10. The character you love of yourself are?
Eh... When i can go into solitude without feeling bored?
11. On the contrary , the character you hate yourself are?
When i get into solitude as well..
12. The most ideal person you wanna be is?
Hmm someone i can communicate with?
13. For people who care and like you , say something about them.
Lol WHOO!!!
14. Pass this quiz to ALL MY LINKS WHO HAVE NOT DONE THIS!
10:30 PM; The Pianist'
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Today was a tiring day. Didnt study much today. Well im really confused wether i should put in so much effort for church anymore. There's just so many things going on and on in my mind. I wana get into a good polytechnic course so that i can get on with life on the tertiary side. On the other hand, my mind is fixed upon the burden god has given me, the burden of light. Yes i admit i have failed to juggle between studies and God. As many of you can guess, yes I cant. I am unable to serve 2 masters at one time.
God help me!
Been thinking through many things these days. Not seeing the group grow, not seeing things workout, dosen't seem to be making me lose faith in God. I get disappointments again and again, but all these dosent seem to stop me from wanting to serve God. Well, I never stopped serving God, but i have never started to serve God harder. I guess this is the loophole in my leadership. Letting disappointments allow me to serve God less. Thanks to Yk especially, i recognized what was really wrong with me. Yes i could have done so much more for God. Just because i was once so on fire for God. You reminded me of who i were and what kind of person i used to be. Yes i was less knowledgeable, less wise, less experienced, but i know that i was more eager to learn. But now, this attitude of learning has died. I wana revive it, but other things that are part of me seems to be taking over me. I wana do my QT longer, but i need to study. I need personal space. I need to be salt and light, i need to do well for my exams! And no, dont tell me I have gone through setbacks admirably, because i wana confess today that i have not gone through all that admirably. I have gone through that like a coward, stuck in my own closet not wanting to get out because im afraid to get hurt. I resumed my old bad habits that includes vulgarities and all sorts of rubbish as i went back to school. I was angry over the small things and Satan took hold of me. I was trapped in my own prison.
Only yesterday did i realize what God had been telling me. Serving him is denying of self and pressing on no matter what happens. Serving God is giving total control to God, allowing him to take over you and inhabit all of you. It is allowing God to cut every single strand of your hair and letting him style it in any way he likes. Only then i realized I have been a really bad boy. I have led the group in a disgusting way and blood is in my hands. God spoke to me yesterday. He said, "Son, no matter what you did, ill forgive you. I chose you from the world, i redeemed you from the fiery chasm which you were supposed to spend an eternity in. I have paid the penalty of your sins by the blood of the most precious, Jesus. I have given you hope and a new life, so do not worry, i am here for you. I am here to bring you out of what the devil is luring you to. I am here to provide shelter, food and security. If only you allow me to."
Father in Heaven,
My life i rededicate to you, help me to understand you more and more each day. Be in the centre of my life, take over everything i do. Take over every word i say. Let the words that come out of this mouth of mine be of your will, of your wisdom. Father i ask for your forgiveness over my sins, everytime i made you cry. Forgive me for everything i have done. God help me to live life to the fullest and help me to live life as what a christ follower should be. Father empower me to do great works for you. All this i ask in the name of Jesus, Amen
Watched 21 today. Well, nice show i suppose. (i know its random but yeah)
Anyway, i wana take the last part of this post to really thank all my caregroup members as well as Cleon, who helped me look all over for two pathetic rings of mine as i dropped both of them in the daytona Machine. I not only found both the rings, but also a dollar coin =P. Thank you Bryan, Yk, Jeron, Reynard and Cleon! Sorry if i missed anyone out heh but you are too, appreciated!
God help me!
Been thinking through many things these days. Not seeing the group grow, not seeing things workout, dosen't seem to be making me lose faith in God. I get disappointments again and again, but all these dosent seem to stop me from wanting to serve God. Well, I never stopped serving God, but i have never started to serve God harder. I guess this is the loophole in my leadership. Letting disappointments allow me to serve God less. Thanks to Yk especially, i recognized what was really wrong with me. Yes i could have done so much more for God. Just because i was once so on fire for God. You reminded me of who i were and what kind of person i used to be. Yes i was less knowledgeable, less wise, less experienced, but i know that i was more eager to learn. But now, this attitude of learning has died. I wana revive it, but other things that are part of me seems to be taking over me. I wana do my QT longer, but i need to study. I need personal space. I need to be salt and light, i need to do well for my exams! And no, dont tell me I have gone through setbacks admirably, because i wana confess today that i have not gone through all that admirably. I have gone through that like a coward, stuck in my own closet not wanting to get out because im afraid to get hurt. I resumed my old bad habits that includes vulgarities and all sorts of rubbish as i went back to school. I was angry over the small things and Satan took hold of me. I was trapped in my own prison.
Only yesterday did i realize what God had been telling me. Serving him is denying of self and pressing on no matter what happens. Serving God is giving total control to God, allowing him to take over you and inhabit all of you. It is allowing God to cut every single strand of your hair and letting him style it in any way he likes. Only then i realized I have been a really bad boy. I have led the group in a disgusting way and blood is in my hands. God spoke to me yesterday. He said, "Son, no matter what you did, ill forgive you. I chose you from the world, i redeemed you from the fiery chasm which you were supposed to spend an eternity in. I have paid the penalty of your sins by the blood of the most precious, Jesus. I have given you hope and a new life, so do not worry, i am here for you. I am here to bring you out of what the devil is luring you to. I am here to provide shelter, food and security. If only you allow me to."
Father in Heaven,
My life i rededicate to you, help me to understand you more and more each day. Be in the centre of my life, take over everything i do. Take over every word i say. Let the words that come out of this mouth of mine be of your will, of your wisdom. Father i ask for your forgiveness over my sins, everytime i made you cry. Forgive me for everything i have done. God help me to live life to the fullest and help me to live life as what a christ follower should be. Father empower me to do great works for you. All this i ask in the name of Jesus, Amen
Watched 21 today. Well, nice show i suppose. (i know its random but yeah)
Anyway, i wana take the last part of this post to really thank all my caregroup members as well as Cleon, who helped me look all over for two pathetic rings of mine as i dropped both of them in the daytona Machine. I not only found both the rings, but also a dollar coin =P. Thank you Bryan, Yk, Jeron, Reynard and Cleon! Sorry if i missed anyone out heh but you are too, appreciated!
8:23 PM; The Pianist'
thePIANIST;
Shane from RP class w35a
Loves the piano
Hates rappers
ur hates here
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Someone
theCHATTERBOX;
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Angela
Apologetics
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Shepherd
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Vivian
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Apologetics
Brian
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Chermaine
Daphne
Desmond Mark
Hongji
Hsueh Ni
Ikekie
Kai Hwee
Michelle (Hope)
Sharmaine
Shepherd
Stephanie
Tiffany
Vivian
Yeshen
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