thePIANIST

Monday, July 28, 2008

Vindicate me oh God.
Save me from this world of judgement,
safe me from the world of tortures.
Satan have tempted me to fall away from you,
into this world of never ending sin.

Take me by my hand,
lead me to your sanctuary.
I will never let you go.

God cleanse me and break me free from the chains that bind me to this world.
Heal my heart and make it clean.
Lead me heavenward.

Today is a very bad day. Currently in my EMO state right now. Will someone just hit me so hard I'll stand up and fight again? Today is a really really bad day...

God! Help me! I don't want to fall away from you. I cannot assure myself I will not fall away anymore. These responsibilities, these burdens. Take them away lord, i long to reside in your arms where i can find peace. Where i can refresh myself and go through the next day with a smile.

Got kinda scolded in school today by My Sandhu and indirectly by Ms Tho. Long story.. Dont read if you wont be interested.
Got called out by Mr Sandhu for a talk this afternoon 5 minutes before recess. The conversation led me to a chain of thoughts and also, into the state i am in right now.
I was being scolded for bringing Dennis to church, yet again. Mr Sandhu was asking me what kind of church im bringing him to. Which domination or whatever. Told him movement but he wouldn't believe. He asked me to bring him my sermon notepad so that he could make a "judgement" if it was a good church. And yeah he said it's a relatively good church. Now tell me. What rights do he have to judge a church? As a fellow christ-follower. What image is he potraying?
He told me i have been painting a very bad image of christianity due to my poor academic achievements and attitude in class. I guess he's right. I have lousy results for every subject except english, I am slow in doing my work. Of course i am a burden to the class. I deserve it dont I? And the saddest part is that i am a christ follower and a CL in the church i am in. Yet i potray such a lousy image of christ. Does results matter so much? Can't anyone see the pain i go through? Cant someone just tell me I can do it and encourage me instead of adding salt to my wounds and making fun of my weaknesses?
Even a christian this old can say this of me. Even he can tell me I am a piece of shit and i am a disgrace to Jesus. Yes i totally agree. Would anyone just look at me and accept me just for who I am? I know i look very gangsterous but did i choose this face? Why would people always have to do this to me? Why does everyone shun away from me because i seem like someone not sociable? Even including christian teachers? Whats wrong with them? Have God not been merciful to them? Have God not forgiven them? Why do they have to speak so badly of me? Cant they say something nice? Cant someone encourage me in this world?

God! Hear my cries!
My wounds are deep, my heart is weary.
Weary is my soul, powerless i feel.

And yeah Dennis told me something that really made sense.
The society does not accept people like you. You just have to deal with it.

Am I really a useless piece of shit? Am I not worthy to come into God's presence? Am I not worthy to praise God alongside the more "spiritual" people? Am I that worthless? I know the answer, but can I really leave aside who I am and just serve god no matter how people look at me?
I thought of living the life of a non-believer again. I thought of "not declaring" the fact that i am a christ-follower. I thought that might give people a better perspective of Jesus. Yet I know I wont glorify God by doing so. I thought of leaving church and just lead my own life, die like a dog, knowing there is a God out there willing to listen to my cries, knowing there is someone who cares, knowing someone out there sees the best in me and the things i can achieve.

I'm not angry about the world, im just angry at myself. How powerless I am, how foolish i have been. I know what should be done. I know..

This song picked me up again.
On the side of me
Corrinne May

I'm not the easiest person to love
I'm often the one who lets things go unresolved
Yet you choose to be
On the side of me
On the side of me
Yet you choose to be on the side of me
On the side of me

I'm not too proud of some things
I've done in my life
The skeletons in my closet
Are too big for me to hide
Yet you choose to be
On the side of me
On the side of me

Blessed Charity
You're on the side of me
On the side of me

Everyone needs a friend to hold
When it's cold outside
And there's no place to go
Everyone needs a friend to hold
All alone I cried
There was no place to go
I remember when nobody cared
But you

I'm not the easiest person to love
But you, you've opened your heart to show me what I'm worth'
Cause you choose to be
On the side of me
On the side of me
What a mystery
You're on the side of me
On the side of me

Everyone needs a friend to hold
When it's cold outside
And there's no place to go
Everyone needs a friend to hold
All alone I cried
There was no place to go

I remember when nobody cared
Nobody cared
But you...
Yeah you choose to be
On the side of me
On the side of me

6:33 PM; The Pianist'

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