thePIANIST

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Today was a dumb day. I was thinking to myself what i was doing. My day started and ended like just any other day would. I went to school and went home halfway due to certain reasons, then went home to take the sticks to floorball. My day seemed all blank. Now im seated down pondering through what my day had been like.
Talked to dennis' mum during floorball just now. Many questions she had about Yhope. I was glad im able to answer all of them. Im really glad to see her opening up and allowing dennis to come for church activities. Im really glad.. Really. Thank you God. My efforts have not been in vain. One year of suffering, disappointments, you have bound it all to this day. You gave me light in the midst of suffering.
Life is really in a mess. Im really gonna end up re-taking my o levels this time. Im not even sure if i can make it if i study all day now. What am i doing? God have you forsaken me?
Floorball/basketball - Getting lousier at both floorball and basketball.. Yeah i know taht sux...
Im really getting very weak at both games. What's happening to me?
Life is in a total mess. Im not even doing piano, not getting better at floorball, what more, basketball. Dont even talk about studies or even God. I seriously dont know what is going on.
Life these few days has been really tiring. I was really getting restless, weak and i felt like i haven't been sleeping for days. Doing QT seemed like a burden. Studying seemed like a burden. Living this way is a burden!
Is the group really growing the way it should be? Is this all i can do? I worry for myself, as well as for the team of pioneers. Yes how can i expect my men to hit the field when i myself aint doing it with them? How can i show them the example when i aint doing it with them? I need the extra effort and time. Where can i dig all that out?
Am i really having a burden or am i just feeling for it and doing nothing about it? I worry so much about cg08 i cant even think straight. When i study i always am reminded that there is a meeting later on in the day and i gotta study after the meeting as well. I cant do life without God showing himself to me. I have not mastered the 2 way dialogue i must confess. Maybe it's time i start picking up that book again. Am i really able to balance?
I have absolute faith that God can turn the worst situations around. Only if we have perfect faith. What is faith? I absolutely believe that I can do it. I believe that if i do my part, god will do his. I just cant stand it when more and more visitors reject me, fail my exams, just suck at everything i do. I cant stand it when i am a christian, yet im living like just another piece of shit that will surely grow up having to sleep in a junkyard. I cant stand it when non-believers can prosper so much in life yet i have such a good god and im so stuck up with life challenges. Teachers view me as a problem-kid. Is that true? I pass up my work, but i just cant do well in my studies. Is that what they deem problem-kid? Seriously. They act like they care. But all they want is the MSG, meet the friggin QUOTA. Seriously look at the world outside. People cheat one another, brother turn against brother, man against father. Yet this guys can do so much better in life than the christ followers? Have Heaven's only ambassadors become complacent?
Christians can go around saying OH GOD SAVE THESE PEOPLE and is so full of sarcarsm? They can go around as an adult, telling people things he dont actually mean and think thats funny. Go around saying hes a good boy he'll surely go to heaven. Have people got the doctrines wrong? Money have plagued the world, false doctrines have surfaced, anti-christians have come. Life is cheap, death rates are high. Is the world ending?
And here i am, whinning about these things, yet i try so hard to change this terrible fact but i just can't change the world. Plagued by the evils of this earth, their minds are filled with terrible thoughts. Yet they can still call upon God's name and beg for forgiveness everytime? People take christ for granted, people try to earn God's favour. Is all this right? And Yeah, i cant do anything about it.
I have known God since december 16th 2006. About 3 months after my conversion, i was at my peak of my spiritual life. I was rapidly growing, I was doing well, i learnt more and more about god each day. God seemed so real and tangible to me. Yet i can't even hear God, nor see him with my spiritual eyes now.
Father in heaven,
Hear my cries, my cries for help, my cries of dissatisfaction, agony. I have not been faithful in doing your work, I have failed you umpteen times, and yet you chose me. I picked myself up everytime, but i fell again. Again and again, i got disappointed. I lost faith, trust and now, you. God! Have you forsaken me? You have said,"never will i leave you, never will i forsake you". Have my spiritual eyes been sealed from you? Give me a vision! Give me a dream, life to the fullest! I dont want this kind of life. Weak, tired, i don't wana be a loser. I wana be who you want me to be! And this day i commit my life to you. I give you all my life, my faith in you. My faith in you is absolute, may you redeem me once again. Give me a reason to hope. In jesus name i pray, Amen

8:03 PM; The Pianist'

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Shane from RP class w35a

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