Friday, February 20, 2009
Over the past few months, my desperate struggle against the search for proof to the existence of Christ has ended officially today. I have only come to realize I am only just plain foolish to doubt the existence of Christ due to a moment of failure. (I've elaborated on that on my last few posts im sure)
http://ablaze.org.au/torchie/?p=50
The only thing I am still unsure of is the fate that landed on me. The amount of effort I had placed in the construction of the kingdom. The time I had decided to give up my life for the sake of the Gospel. I was dead serious, at the same time I had been removed from leadership without a reason. God promised that my path would have been a victorious one, and he would lead me to serve him in greater amounts and heights. All I thought of was the very vision God has given to me years back even before I became a leader, that was the endless flow of a generation of strong and biblical Men walking into SSS, with their countless disappointments as well as victories and testimonies that prove the existence of Christ in their lives. The dream had been almost impossible to me now. I have wasted the past few months doubting God and living an ungodly life, thinking it was God who owed me something. I was wrong. Obviously, God does not owe us anything. Anything he decides to do to us, is for us, not against us. Hey if God loved to play with our feelings, whats the difference between God and Bird?
The dreams that I have dreamt of, the conviction I had that was once God, I only hope had not been a waste of time. The generation of men I have built and the conviction I have left behind, I only hope had not been a futile effort.
Focused on what is to come, focused on that very thing that will be of growth and not of harm.
Sorry and thank you, my dear friend.
Father in Heaven,
I believe it has seemed like an eternity since I had prayed. Again, I am lost in the wonder of your amazing love. The kind of love you offer to people who even betray or are against you. The wonder of your amazing grace that softens the hardest hearts. Your word that pierces through the hardest hearts, that decide to bless us, is the light the world. The world does not need another guy that will do something that might get him into the Guinness Book of World Records, but the world just plainly needs your love. Your love that will satisfy their hunger, their desire for love and acceptance. Their desire to be themselves instead of acting like somebody else to gain approval. Thank you God that your still here.
http://ablaze.org.au/torchie/?p=50
The only thing I am still unsure of is the fate that landed on me. The amount of effort I had placed in the construction of the kingdom. The time I had decided to give up my life for the sake of the Gospel. I was dead serious, at the same time I had been removed from leadership without a reason. God promised that my path would have been a victorious one, and he would lead me to serve him in greater amounts and heights. All I thought of was the very vision God has given to me years back even before I became a leader, that was the endless flow of a generation of strong and biblical Men walking into SSS, with their countless disappointments as well as victories and testimonies that prove the existence of Christ in their lives. The dream had been almost impossible to me now. I have wasted the past few months doubting God and living an ungodly life, thinking it was God who owed me something. I was wrong. Obviously, God does not owe us anything. Anything he decides to do to us, is for us, not against us. Hey if God loved to play with our feelings, whats the difference between God and Bird?
The dreams that I have dreamt of, the conviction I had that was once God, I only hope had not been a waste of time. The generation of men I have built and the conviction I have left behind, I only hope had not been a futile effort.
Focused on what is to come, focused on that very thing that will be of growth and not of harm.
Sorry and thank you, my dear friend.
Father in Heaven,
I believe it has seemed like an eternity since I had prayed. Again, I am lost in the wonder of your amazing love. The kind of love you offer to people who even betray or are against you. The wonder of your amazing grace that softens the hardest hearts. Your word that pierces through the hardest hearts, that decide to bless us, is the light the world. The world does not need another guy that will do something that might get him into the Guinness Book of World Records, but the world just plainly needs your love. Your love that will satisfy their hunger, their desire for love and acceptance. Their desire to be themselves instead of acting like somebody else to gain approval. Thank you God that your still here.
12:32 PM; The Pianist'
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Talk to me Talk to me Talk to me Talk to me please...
This feeling.. This living hell. Only you can pull me out of it. You, the one who promised security, assurance, victory. Only you can fulfill your promise.
Did I not make an oath to serve you for the rest of the days of my life? Did I not give you my life for your will? Did I not give it all for the sake of the kingdom? Have you abandoned me?
I do not dare to walk through the valley of the shadow of death. Your rod and your staff, they're gone. I have fallen prey to my many enemies. The shadow of death lingers upon my path. Here I am fallen, unable to stand up due to my own stupidity and inability. But you my shepherd, is the only one who is able to pick me up. Don't leave me. You know I can't live without you..
I can't feel you there. Perhaps it is me that have been blinded?
No sleep
No sleep until I am done with finding the answer
Won't stop
Won't stop before I find a cure for this cancer
Sometimes
I feel I going down and so disconnected
Somehow
I know that I am haunted to be wanted
I've been watching
I've been waiting
In the shadows all my time
I've been searching
I've been living
For tomorrows all my life
In the shadows
In the shadows
They say
That i must learn to kill before i can feel safe
But I
I rather kill myself then turn into their slave
Sometimes
I feel that I should go and play with the thunder
Somehow
I just don't wanna stay and wait for a wonder
I've been watching
I've been waiting
In the shadows all my time
I've been searching
I've been living
For tomorrows all my life
Lately I been walking walking in circles, watching waiting for something
Feel me touch me heal me, come take me higher
I've been watching
I've been waiting
In the shadows all my time
I've been searching
I've been living
For tomorrows all my life
I've been watching
I've been waiting
I've been searching
I've been living for tomorrows
In the shadows
In the shadows
I've been waiting
This feeling.. This living hell. Only you can pull me out of it. You, the one who promised security, assurance, victory. Only you can fulfill your promise.
Did I not make an oath to serve you for the rest of the days of my life? Did I not give you my life for your will? Did I not give it all for the sake of the kingdom? Have you abandoned me?
I do not dare to walk through the valley of the shadow of death. Your rod and your staff, they're gone. I have fallen prey to my many enemies. The shadow of death lingers upon my path. Here I am fallen, unable to stand up due to my own stupidity and inability. But you my shepherd, is the only one who is able to pick me up. Don't leave me. You know I can't live without you..
I can't feel you there. Perhaps it is me that have been blinded?
No sleep
No sleep until I am done with finding the answer
Won't stop
Won't stop before I find a cure for this cancer
Sometimes
I feel I going down and so disconnected
Somehow
I know that I am haunted to be wanted
I've been watching
I've been waiting
In the shadows all my time
I've been searching
I've been living
For tomorrows all my life
In the shadows
In the shadows
They say
That i must learn to kill before i can feel safe
But I
I rather kill myself then turn into their slave
Sometimes
I feel that I should go and play with the thunder
Somehow
I just don't wanna stay and wait for a wonder
I've been watching
I've been waiting
In the shadows all my time
I've been searching
I've been living
For tomorrows all my life
Lately I been walking walking in circles, watching waiting for something
Feel me touch me heal me, come take me higher
I've been watching
I've been waiting
In the shadows all my time
I've been searching
I've been living
For tomorrows all my life
I've been watching
I've been waiting
I've been searching
I've been living for tomorrows
In the shadows
In the shadows
I've been waiting
10:58 PM; The Pianist'
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Do not be disappointed people, I have not been walking closely with God these days. Honestly, its' been a few weeks already since this spiritual dryness and internal struggle began. Yes, I've been trapped in my own double helix again. Someone help?
I didn't feel like going to service, going for sermons, having spiritual conversations, getting closer to God, talk about God, or even to evangelize. Where did the fiery passion I once had disappear to? I do not know. All I know is I have not been shepherded for months and I have not been doing my QT for weeks. Yes I really feel dry. I do not have a fixed school to evangelize on, a fixed shepherd, or even a caregroup to begin with. All these minor things all stacked up to form something so major that stopped me from moving ahead. Ever since I was transferred to the graduates group, I told myself, this is a period of growth, I gotta stick it through and I gotta pass on whatever leadership skill with the experience I had to the earlier generation. I told myself, though im no longer a leader, I am still a centralite, who should carry out his duties as a person who should do something for central with the last few months I have in central. I soon realized there was only 5 people in the new group. Me, stephanie, Timothy, Wei Ting, Dennis and Aaron. Aaron left soon after. As we were too small, we combined with the central E graduates, who consisted of Jon yeo, Calvin, Joshua Wu, Zi Kang and Brian. Soon after, Wei Ting transferred to the tertiary service.
Camp drew near. I was excited, dying for a breakthrough. But camp became a time I had with myself, struggling against my somewhat negative thoughts. I was transferred to central E for good, leaving behind nothing, but only a newly formed central B1 who was led by Reynard and consisted of only Quan Kai, Jian Fu, Jin Min, Keiji and dylan. It was my blood I poured out to the group, in which I was ready to throw away my future ( o levels ) to lead well and to see Gods' kingdom come. It never came true. Now, i ended up with a screwed up o level score, leaving me no choice but to go to Republic Polytechnic, which is at least an hour away. My dear sheep Timothy began to miss camp and service more often. I didn't want to lose faith. I believed God had his reasons. After the leadership conference in Hong Kong in september, I came back telling myself I was gonna go all out. I was gonna make sure it was time I grew and led to Gods' standard. That never came true. I was pulled out to the grads group soon after. All i left behind was probably a principal they will never forget, "relationship with God matters". I hope it still is there. At least all that time I spent, all that effort, all that blood did stir up something.
In my new unit, I struggled to know the people and to get used to its' culture. It was tiring and difficult. My group began to shrink recently. Brian, Joshua Wu, Jon Yeo, Stephanie and Timothy left for their respective JC groups. Disheartening. What's left is a messed up bunch of fresh graduates, which consisted of Calvin, Zi Kang, Joel loi, Dennis and me. I was unsure of where i really belonged. This group wasn't even called a group by itself. It was a SUB group which had no leader. During my stay in the new group, I spent time trying to stir some things but ultimately failed to do so and ended up in my miserable state now.
Contradictingly, i hated God. I knew it was impossible for me to REALLY hate God, but I was really angry. The more i wanted to serve, the more these small mountains came along, which piled up to become really huge obstacles. I don't even know what school im pioneering, who really is my shepherd, and what my role is. All i know is that i have 2 months left here, and im not doing anything yet. Somebody help?
I didn't feel like going to service, going for sermons, having spiritual conversations, getting closer to God, talk about God, or even to evangelize. Where did the fiery passion I once had disappear to? I do not know. All I know is I have not been shepherded for months and I have not been doing my QT for weeks. Yes I really feel dry. I do not have a fixed school to evangelize on, a fixed shepherd, or even a caregroup to begin with. All these minor things all stacked up to form something so major that stopped me from moving ahead. Ever since I was transferred to the graduates group, I told myself, this is a period of growth, I gotta stick it through and I gotta pass on whatever leadership skill with the experience I had to the earlier generation. I told myself, though im no longer a leader, I am still a centralite, who should carry out his duties as a person who should do something for central with the last few months I have in central. I soon realized there was only 5 people in the new group. Me, stephanie, Timothy, Wei Ting, Dennis and Aaron. Aaron left soon after. As we were too small, we combined with the central E graduates, who consisted of Jon yeo, Calvin, Joshua Wu, Zi Kang and Brian. Soon after, Wei Ting transferred to the tertiary service.
Camp drew near. I was excited, dying for a breakthrough. But camp became a time I had with myself, struggling against my somewhat negative thoughts. I was transferred to central E for good, leaving behind nothing, but only a newly formed central B1 who was led by Reynard and consisted of only Quan Kai, Jian Fu, Jin Min, Keiji and dylan. It was my blood I poured out to the group, in which I was ready to throw away my future ( o levels ) to lead well and to see Gods' kingdom come. It never came true. Now, i ended up with a screwed up o level score, leaving me no choice but to go to Republic Polytechnic, which is at least an hour away. My dear sheep Timothy began to miss camp and service more often. I didn't want to lose faith. I believed God had his reasons. After the leadership conference in Hong Kong in september, I came back telling myself I was gonna go all out. I was gonna make sure it was time I grew and led to Gods' standard. That never came true. I was pulled out to the grads group soon after. All i left behind was probably a principal they will never forget, "relationship with God matters". I hope it still is there. At least all that time I spent, all that effort, all that blood did stir up something.
In my new unit, I struggled to know the people and to get used to its' culture. It was tiring and difficult. My group began to shrink recently. Brian, Joshua Wu, Jon Yeo, Stephanie and Timothy left for their respective JC groups. Disheartening. What's left is a messed up bunch of fresh graduates, which consisted of Calvin, Zi Kang, Joel loi, Dennis and me. I was unsure of where i really belonged. This group wasn't even called a group by itself. It was a SUB group which had no leader. During my stay in the new group, I spent time trying to stir some things but ultimately failed to do so and ended up in my miserable state now.
Contradictingly, i hated God. I knew it was impossible for me to REALLY hate God, but I was really angry. The more i wanted to serve, the more these small mountains came along, which piled up to become really huge obstacles. I don't even know what school im pioneering, who really is my shepherd, and what my role is. All i know is that i have 2 months left here, and im not doing anything yet. Somebody help?
10:12 PM; The Pianist'
thePIANIST;
Shane from RP class w35a
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ur hates here
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Shepherd
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Apologetics
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Caryn
Chermaine
Daphne
Desmond Mark
Hongji
Hsueh Ni
Ikekie
Kai Hwee
Michelle (Hope)
Sharmaine
Shepherd
Stephanie
Tiffany
Vivian
Yeshen
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