thePIANIST

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Do not be disappointed people, I have not been walking closely with God these days. Honestly, its' been a few weeks already since this spiritual dryness and internal struggle began. Yes, I've been trapped in my own double helix again. Someone help?
I didn't feel like going to service, going for sermons, having spiritual conversations, getting closer to God, talk about God, or even to evangelize. Where did the fiery passion I once had disappear to? I do not know. All I know is I have not been shepherded for months and I have not been doing my QT for weeks. Yes I really feel dry. I do not have a fixed school to evangelize on, a fixed shepherd, or even a caregroup to begin with. All these minor things all stacked up to form something so major that stopped me from moving ahead. Ever since I was transferred to the graduates group, I told myself, this is a period of growth, I gotta stick it through and I gotta pass on whatever leadership skill with the experience I had to the earlier generation. I told myself, though im no longer a leader, I am still a centralite, who should carry out his duties as a person who should do something for central with the last few months I have in central. I soon realized there was only 5 people in the new group. Me, stephanie, Timothy, Wei Ting, Dennis and Aaron. Aaron left soon after. As we were too small, we combined with the central E graduates, who consisted of Jon yeo, Calvin, Joshua Wu, Zi Kang and Brian. Soon after, Wei Ting transferred to the tertiary service.
Camp drew near. I was excited, dying for a breakthrough. But camp became a time I had with myself, struggling against my somewhat negative thoughts. I was transferred to central E for good, leaving behind nothing, but only a newly formed central B1 who was led by Reynard and consisted of only Quan Kai, Jian Fu, Jin Min, Keiji and dylan. It was my blood I poured out to the group, in which I was ready to throw away my future ( o levels ) to lead well and to see Gods' kingdom come. It never came true. Now, i ended up with a screwed up o level score, leaving me no choice but to go to Republic Polytechnic, which is at least an hour away. My dear sheep Timothy began to miss camp and service more often. I didn't want to lose faith. I believed God had his reasons. After the leadership conference in Hong Kong in september, I came back telling myself I was gonna go all out. I was gonna make sure it was time I grew and led to Gods' standard. That never came true. I was pulled out to the grads group soon after. All i left behind was probably a principal they will never forget, "relationship with God matters". I hope it still is there. At least all that time I spent, all that effort, all that blood did stir up something.
In my new unit, I struggled to know the people and to get used to its' culture. It was tiring and difficult. My group began to shrink recently. Brian, Joshua Wu, Jon Yeo, Stephanie and Timothy left for their respective JC groups. Disheartening. What's left is a messed up bunch of fresh graduates, which consisted of Calvin, Zi Kang, Joel loi, Dennis and me. I was unsure of where i really belonged. This group wasn't even called a group by itself. It was a SUB group which had no leader. During my stay in the new group, I spent time trying to stir some things but ultimately failed to do so and ended up in my miserable state now.
Contradictingly, i hated God. I knew it was impossible for me to REALLY hate God, but I was really angry. The more i wanted to serve, the more these small mountains came along, which piled up to become really huge obstacles. I don't even know what school im pioneering, who really is my shepherd, and what my role is. All i know is that i have 2 months left here, and im not doing anything yet. Somebody help?

10:12 PM; The Pianist'

thePIANIST;

Shane from RP class w35a

Loves the piano

Hates rappers

ur hates here

the WISH:

Someone

theCHATTERBOX;

theEXITS;

Angela
Apologetics
Brian
Caryn
Chermaine
Daphne
Desmond Mark
Hongji
Hsueh Ni
Ikekie
Kai Hwee
Michelle (Hope)
Sharmaine
Shepherd
Stephanie
Tiffany
Vivian
Yeshen

thePAST;