thePIANIST

Thursday, March 5, 2009

The struggle has ended, but I find myself indulging in a un-godly life. The lack of connection, loss of transmission/frequency to the word, to God himself. I live each day just waiting for the clock to tick, for each second to pass, hoping it would pass by faster. I played computer games, played basketball, played xbox, did physical training, all just to fill in that empty hole Christ once filled. Am i getting bored of God? How much do i really know him? I dont know.
Today, I was just on my bed, blasting some loud shit in my ear and i didnt hear the damn thunder. Bro came home and gave me a good old trashing about me not hearing the thunder and rain, and apparently "forgot" to close the windows. I told him I was blasting some loud music shit in my ear and he just refused to acknoledge the fact that YES, i was just oblivious to what has happened. He only cared if his bed was wet and yes instead of the rain being the cause, it became the poor me. How long will this internal battle at home last? Just don't act like your the only one who knows how to be angry. As much as you are angry with me, I am with you. So stop trying to be the asshole.
Is there even a use praying about it and acting like someone I aren't? I try hard to potray a good image of Christ so that I might not tarnish it. What is all that for? That whatever crown im gonna get when i get to heaven? Forget it. I'd rather be myself. Give me a reason Jesus. You who had me to go through so much without a reason. You who refused to grant me the answers I wanted. Is this the life you wanted for me? To serve you with bitterness for an eternity? Give me a reason to serve you. Don't just tell me you are good or whatever. Show me.
I served hard the past year(except for the final few months ofc). I prayed and fasted in hope that at least a pathetic soul in this wretched world would be "saved". I preached the word according to your will and built strong disciples now chasing your heart, i believe, at least a thousand times more enthusiastic than I am for you today. Your the reason I tried, and I demand nothing less than an answer for this mess. What was all that outreaching and teaching for? I wanted to be a light in this world. But I realized today, im not born a hero. No matter how hard i tried, it would'nt work. Serving you is just so hard. I try to smile and try to act like nothing matters. Just merely trying is sucking up all my life.
What really, is of eternal value? What is faith? To what measure of faith do i need to serve you? Is merely trusting you not enough? Give me an answer. I studied hard, all for the cause of glorifying your name and being a living testimony. But all that to get a below average result? You are'nt showing yourself at all, and im not satisfied with that.

11:11 PM; The Pianist'

thePIANIST;

Shane from RP class w35a

Loves the piano

Hates rappers

ur hates here

the WISH:

Someone

theCHATTERBOX;

theEXITS;

Angela
Apologetics
Brian
Caryn
Chermaine
Daphne
Desmond Mark
Hongji
Hsueh Ni
Ikekie
Kai Hwee
Michelle (Hope)
Sharmaine
Shepherd
Stephanie
Tiffany
Vivian
Yeshen

thePAST;